The class got back our marks for the memoir assignment last night! It was an exciting moment for me (dork alert!), because I'm always keen to see how I did on assignments. I was never one of those people who refused to look at their marks or grades until three days later, and even then it was their friends who had to look at their paper to tell them what grade they had received. Nope, I've always been the "rip the band aid off as quick as you can" kind of girl. Because if the results turned out to be good, it would be time to celebrate! If it didn't, then, well, they say time heals all, so why wait any longer to find out? The sooner, the better.
But I digress. (Apologies.)
So, my memoir assignment marks-- I didn't do as well as I had hoped. But I really appreciated the feedback Cam gave because it helped me see where I had gone wrong and how to improve my writing. This was my first time writing a memoir piece and I think it turned out to be an experimental, trial-and-error piece for me. I think my main problem is that I find it really awkward to write about myself. I get wildly embarrassed and I never, ever enjoy rereading my own personal pieces. Which is why on my other non-academic blog that I've kept for eight years, I have stopped writing extremely personal posts. I used to when I was younger, but each time I did, by the very next day I would have delete each post that threatened to reveal more about myself and my emotions than I'd like. There's something about being completely honest and bare that scares me. Which is probably why writing my memoir (about the end of my relationship) proved to be tricky. I wasn't sure if I should remove all emotion or include a lot of emotion in the piece.
This break up happened two years ago, and at that time, I was devastated. But, since then, I have completely healed and moved on. I'm very much happy and at peace now. When I was writing my memoir piece, though, I thought it would be a good idea to relive the moment; to write exactly what I had thought, felt, and did when Alvin spoke those words that ended our relationship. But now I see that while reliving the moment was a good place to start, it could've been better executed.
I found Cam's feedback incredibly understanding and helpful. He wrote: "Writing memoir is a difficult thing, particularly when discussing former relationships. Sometimes, the writer doesn't have sufficient distance from the issue, and this shows." Quite honestly, the first thing I felt after reading that was embarrassment. I felt embarrassed that I had written something that sounded as though I was bitter and a person who couldn't let go of past pains, even though I wasn't. I blushed even more when I reread the paragraph Cam said I could have reworked because it was too emotional. He couldn't be more right. I was cringing throughout the entire paragraph. When I first wrote it, my intention was to be real, honest, and raw. And perhaps it is good to have those elements in our writing. However, upon further reflection, I think that while it's good to take a walk down memory lane and draw on the emotions that were present at that time, it's also important to have a certain distance from it. Perhaps turn those raw emotions into something more reflective; synthesise it into something more palatable and not off-putting or bitter.
I'm glad to have had the opportunity to try my hand at writing memoir through this assignment. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and truly appreciate the lessons I have learned (and continue to learn) in WRIT3050. Cam said on that feedback sheet that "you hit your stride towards the end of the piece". It was really encouraging, and hopefully I will one day be able to acquire the skill to balance between being controlled (as seen in Stuart Glover's personal essay, "The Disloyal Subject") and emotive (as Joan Didion's "Goodbye To All That" was). Controlled emotions. Feels right to me.
Julia
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